No Fear

If you’ve been reading along for a while, you know that I did a chronic infections panel to find out if an underlying infection could be the root cause of my ongoing Lupus activity. It was on this day last year that I received the positive result for borellia burgdorfori (the bacteria that causes Lyme Disease) among eight other chronic infections.

It was a strange moment. When I walked into my Naturopathic appointment, my doctor had only just received the results and had not previewed them so as he read to me what tested positive, he started to slow down near the end. You know that big news is coming when someone tries to be extra sensitive with how they share it. He didn't want to say it at first, but when he said that the last positive result on the list was borellia burgdorfori, I didn’t need him to explain. I knew what it was. 
 

“That’s the bacteria that causes Lyme Disease, right?”
 

My heart sank. I knew the gravity of the situation. I knew right away that this was the most complicated infection anyone could possibly have. 

I took a deep breath. I was disappointed that this route was now my reality, but I was not fearful of what was to come. In fact, I had joy in my diagnosis! I know, I know, that’s a really bizarre thing to say. But it’s true. Just like when I had heart failure or when I learned that I had Lupus, I knew there was nothing to fear because my heavenly Father is sovereign over it all.
 

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment; and the one fearing has not been perfected in love.” 
1 John 4:18
 

In this scripture, we learn that fear is from Satan and only brings torment to a person. If we hang back a bit into 1 John 4:8, we see that God is love; his character is true love. When we fully surrender our lives and circumstances to the will of the Father, we can experience His perfect love that casts out fear.

The only way to let go of fear and bring this fire to your soul is to experience a softened heart towards what God’s will is for you. This comes through prayer (you talking to God) and reading the bible (God talking to you). 

A great starting place is daily devotions, but these can be completely out of context and written to tickle our ears. Digging into the word - uninterrupted bible study - is when truth is revealed. Your heart must be open to reproach and learning where you need to change your life. You have to be willing to look for sin you need to repent of. 
 

I would like to note that there have been several seasons that I have needed medicine to help bring my physical body ease while my mind caught up. I could be unafraid but my body was continuing to tremor in a way that I couldn’t control. In these situations, I have found UNDA30 drops and GABA Pro tablets to be very helpful at easing anxiety so that I could think more rationally. 

Other helpful approaches have been using essential oils (especially diffusing lavender) and taking a long soak in a detox bath (hot water, epsom salts, baking soda, essential oils).
Most notable for changing my mindset though has been starting each morning with an hour of prayer and bible reading before even letting the kids out of bed!
 

With all that being said, we need to recognize that there is a difference between worldly fear and a healthy fear of the Lord. There are numerous places in scripture where we are instructed to fear the Lord in a way that brings about repentance and a choice to live in obedience to His commandments. 
 

“Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways.”
Psalm 128:1
 

When we recognize the gravity of the consequences of our sin, we can choose to repent and change our hearts to live the way God calls us to. It is a good thing to fear God’s wrath and to accept His mercy and grace through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27

The opposite of experiencing worldly fear is a washing of peace that comes from living in light of God’s promises. You cannot be submissive to the will of God while keeping one foot in the world. Do not be afraid of what people think. There is a remnant of dedicated believers; seek them out for fellowship and encouragement.

Click here for more verses about a healthy fear of the Lord.

Ongoing Lyme Treatment

Each month, I check in with my Lyme literate Naturopath (Dr. Julie) to discuss how my body is responding to treatments and make changes or additions. Over the past ten months, I have seen such dramatic improvements and even though every day is still very difficult, I am encouraged to persevere. Much has changed since I shared about my Lyme protocol here and here, and I’d love to share with you how I’ve been walking through this past fall and winter so you can get a sense of what this journey is like.

If you’ve been following along on Instagram, then you would’ve seen that in October, I did a round of IV antibiotics. Attacking Lyme is definitely a dynamic process; our approach is constantly changing. I feel so fortunate to have access to such experienced Lyme literate doctors and (from what I’ve researched) some of the most effective treatment around. It can be really overwhelming most of the time, but I strongly believe that the combination of conventional and herbal medicine is effective for me. I plan to do another round of antibiotics this spring.

The IV antibiotics are being used as a pulse therapy; I do about 8 days in a row and then take a break. The antibiotics are always in conjunction with herbal antimicrobials, super probiotics, and LOTS of detox and immune support. For example, because the antibiotic I used is a cell wall buster, I did several Myers cocktails (ie. vitamin IV) and MAH (ozone) IVs to enhance the attack on microbes once their defence was down. I increased my probiotics during this period of time to a full pack of VSL #3 each day (450 billion).

The week following my first round of IV antibiotics, I started to feel really anxious. My brain felt like it was all mixed up and I just couldn’t put the pieces back together. It wasn’t until I saw Dr. Julie in follow up that I even knew that the buzzing, high strung feeling and stress was probably a herx! So I increased how often I was taking Burbur-Pinella, got in the sauna every day and made sure not to skip my CBD oil.

In terms of herbal antimicrobials (Nutrimedix brand), the kids and I have felt really good with Samento + Banderol for the past few months but we’ve also pulsed between those, Cumanda + Houttuynia, and Enula + Mora. These ones follow the same idea where I take 1 drop twice a day of each on day one, 2 drops on day 2, etc. with the kids increasing their drops every other day. After 2 weeks at the full dose (30 drops for me, 15 drops for the kids), we’ll switch to a different combo working our way up more quickly to a full dose for 2 weeks. Keeping track of it all is enough to make this Lyme brain spin for sure! Zach’s super helpful with keeping us on track and I’ve written all the amounts on my calendar, but I still mess it up often.

Brain fog, severe exhaustion, and nausea have still been a struggle these past months. I’m so thankful that my Rheumatologist has signed off on returning to work on partial medical leave because my Lupus markers and symptoms have gotten worse this past year. It can be hard to admit that my autoimmune disease is in the severe category (systemic causing organ failure). She actually recommended full time medical leave but I find so much joy in my job as a Biology teacher that I push myself to the max of what I am able to.

So in November, I returned part time for the new Health Sciences program (the only one in Canada) where I teach the Biology 12 (now called Anatomy and Physiology 12) course and facilitate pre- and post- discussion with BCIT’s PreHealth program. Through BCIT, students get to do a lab course as well as a case study course focusing on lung cancer, heart disease, and diabetes. I’m absolutely thrilled to have been involved in the launch of this program and every day I pray that my brain allows me to be as involved as my heart is. 

It’s a lot of effort to have someone watch the kids while I go to weekly appointments so I try to schedule them all on the same day each week. I also use the infrared sauna about 5 nights a week; we are so fortunate to have found a great deal on one and squished it into our storage room. It has helped with detoxing tremendously.

With all this support in place, I’ve been able to do more neural therapy to break up scar tissue and interference fields. We’ve done this a handful of times now in my mid/upper back, trapezius, and base of skull with each time my muscles feeling (and looking!) noticeably more relaxed. But immediately the first couple of times, I had trouble even standing up and couldn’t drive myself home because I was so dizzy and nauseous. Thankfully, my reactions have improved with each treatment.

To help suck up all these toxins making me feel so lousy, I tried Cholestyramine which acts kind of like a filter. The only problem is that it’s like drinking fish cement. That’s where the hesitation comes in… but it really helps with the brain fog. What it does is bind to fat and help flush it out of your system. Since the neurotoxins are fat soluble, these get flushed with the fat (that toxic fat needs to be replaced with lots of healthy fat like coconut oil, avocados, and fish oil). Long story short, this treatment didn’t work out well for me; I couldn’t deal with the digestive upset (and trying to swallow cement that tastes like fish doesn’t help). I switched to activated charcoal instead.

Recently my appetite has been severely reduced and I feel so unwell that taking my supplements is difficult. I’m not currently following the ketogenic diet but I keep my grains very minimal and avoid my food allergies (mainly gluten, dairy, corn, soy) as well as inflammatory processed foods and sugar. I’ve recently shared about my concern over healthy eating here and I’m working to keep the emotional side of my diet just as healthy as my food choices. 

I’m still not well enough to run errands or attend church and bible study regularly. I hardly ever have the energy to hang out with friends and I’ve missed out on many celebrations. It’s really hard to feel like I’m missing out on life in order to avoid spending the next day(s) in pain. But my Mom always said that no one knows your body like you do so you have to listen to it and take good care of yourself. If you flare because you pushed it, everyone will just say that you should’ve listened to your body. Yep, she’s completely right.

The next thing on my radar is heavy metal chelation following the replacement of metal dental fillings. After reading Yolanda Hadid’s book, Believe Me, I realized that perhaps my dental issues should be looked into. I have really bad TMJ pain and can actually feel the build up of infection under my ears down my jaw. I know this is something that will contribute to my overall healing and I’d like to get it done sooner rather than later but because I can’t do this while breastfeeding, I have to take one for the team and be patient. But dang it’s hard to be patient with Lyme treatment!

I know I say this a lot, but I really appreciate you following along with my healing journey and caring to understand what it’s like to live with Lupus and Lyme Disease. Your support has been such an encouragement in what would otherwise be a dark time. I sense God’s presence and am resting in His sovereignty. I will never understand why things unfold the way they do, but I know that I can trust that God is carrying me through it and there is nothing that could ever happen to me that would shake my faith. One day I will experience the fulfillment of His promises, healing and all.

One Year Later

It completely snuck up on me that I started blogging this time last year! I’ve never considered myself a writer and have been overwhelmed at the positive response and encouragement I have received. As I’ve poured myself into this community, I have been in awe at the love and support we can find in understanding each other’s personal struggles more deeply. So thank you for taking the time to walk alongside me! 

Five years post Lupus diagnosis and eleven months post Lyme Disease diagnosis. I've learned a lot about the nature and character of God as I've navigated these major life changes!

I’m getting all choked up right now thinking about everything God has done through the blog this year. I started hearing the whisper to write several years ago but I rebelled, selfishly not wanting to put the time and energy into it. The whisper only got louder though until I couldn’t push it aside any longer and I have since been so blessed for being obedient to His call. 

I’m trying to consider if there’s any one big thing that I’ve learned since starting the blog, but I just can’t seem to pin anything down. There has been a major shift in how I go about my life, however. 

I used to pray for what I wanted to happen, guidance in how to respond biblically, and for spiritual growth. But something about it was just a little off. What I realize now is that I was living my life as best I could and referencing the gospel along the way, almost like a part of my life rather than the source of my life. Spiritually speaking, I’ve always turned to the Bible to guide all my decisions, but I wasn’t fully surrendered and living in full obedience to the commands written. 

“But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.”
1 John 2:5-6
 

Because I was called to write this blog, I have surrendered control over it and focused on allowing the Holy Spirit to speak through me and direct what I write. To do that, I have poured so much more time into seeking what obedience looks like and what the commands and promises in the Bible are (as opposed to relying only on how I’ve been told to interpret verses). 

As I made this shift, the result has been a beautiful new revealing of God’s word! I’ve honestly been blow away reading my bible the past two months, seeing things that I’ve never seen before! Things that I always thought and understood one way had the veil removed and I finally understand clearly. It’s been such a huge blessing. The more I have surrendered my life to be lived in complete obedience, the more I come to understand what that obedience looks like. It looks like living just like Jesus modelled and taught.

Ultimately, I am at such peace with the lack of control I have over my health. I am at peace because God has me in the palm of his hand. He has declared the end from the beginning. Nothing goes unseen or unheard. He is in control of everything and his promises are true. 

Knowing this, I am excited for what lies in store for healing this year. I am still confident I will be healed, maybe on earth, maybe on the new earth. In the meantime I am going to lean in and allow myself to be refined along the way.

We are all in desperate need of refining. Prepare your heart, and study scripture for the coming of Jesus Christ draws near.

Grit Don't Quit

It’s really easy to want to give up when living with chronic illness. I haven’t heard of one person that hasn’t wanted to pull the bed sheets over their head until it’s all over.  It’s really a vulnerable place to be so physically weak - but we cannot let ourselves become weak-willed. There are so many days where I just want to give up from the exhaustion of it all but these are the days I have to consciously remind myself of my mantra “Grit Don’t Quit!”.

Not long ago, I was so thankful to attend a Beth Moore women’s conference where she talked a lot about Grace and Grit. This was an especially vulnerable time for me physically (which resulted in a vulnerable time emotionally), and I really needed the reminder that IT AIN’T OVER.

“You’ve got to get rid of that quit in you”
- Beth Moore
 

So what exactly is grit?

Grit is that power of passion and perseverance, translated to mean “firmness of mind or spirit”. You cannot fulfill your calling as a wimp; grit is the courage to continue doing something even though it is very difficult.

Hebrews 11: 32-34 tells us that “through faith [they were] made strong; out of weakness, became mighty in war”.

You cannot be MADE STRONG until you are FIRST WEAK.

You cannot BECOME MIGHTY unless you’ve FOUGHT IN WAR.
 

But how can I become strong? How can I become mighty? I know for sure that what I’m dealing with in life is way more than I can handle. I am currently fighting this war and I feel like a weakling. I just don’t have the strength on my own. So this is when I have to rely on the strength and might of Christ. Do you understand the weakness I’m talking about? Stop losing the same battle by switching up your tactics. The moments that I am the strongest are those when I dig my feet in and stand on the word of God (the bible).

When our identity is found in our health, dealing with chronic illness is a devastating burden. How many times have you heard “as long as you have your health!”. So to have that grit in the face of chronic illness, we need our identity to be built upon a strong foundation. When we know who God is and who we are in Him, the strength in that truth grants us the courage to persevere.

“Grit hacks the path between God’s promise and great reward.”
- Beth Moore
 

The time is coming when I know I will be fully healed and I very well may need to wait until I am standing on the new earth alongside my Saviour. Until that time of great reward, I will continue to rest on God’s promises and persevere with grit as I hack my path through life to get there.