One Year Later

It completely snuck up on me that I started blogging this time last year! I’ve never considered myself a writer and have been overwhelmed at the positive response and encouragement I have received. As I’ve poured myself into this community, I have been in awe at the love and support we can find in understanding each other’s personal struggles more deeply. So thank you for taking the time to walk alongside me! 

Five years post Lupus diagnosis and eleven months post Lyme Disease diagnosis. I've learned a lot about the nature and character of God as I've navigated these major life changes!

I’m getting all choked up right now thinking about everything God has done through the blog this year. I started hearing the whisper to write several years ago but I rebelled, selfishly not wanting to put the time and energy into it. The whisper only got louder though until I couldn’t push it aside any longer and I have since been so blessed for being obedient to His call. 

I’m trying to consider if there’s any one big thing that I’ve learned since starting the blog, but I just can’t seem to pin anything down. There has been a major shift in how I go about my life, however. 

I used to pray for what I wanted to happen, guidance in how to respond biblically, and for spiritual growth. But something about it was just a little off. What I realize now is that I was living my life as best I could and referencing the gospel along the way, almost like a part of my life rather than the source of my life. Spiritually speaking, I’ve always turned to the Bible to guide all my decisions, but I wasn’t fully surrendered and living in full obedience to the commands written. 

“But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.”
1 John 2:5-6
 

Because I was called to write this blog, I have surrendered control over it and focused on allowing the Holy Spirit to speak through me and direct what I write. To do that, I have poured so much more time into seeking what obedience looks like and what the commands and promises in the Bible are (as opposed to relying only on how I’ve been told to interpret verses). 

As I made this shift, the result has been a beautiful new revealing of God’s word! I’ve honestly been blow away reading my bible the past two months, seeing things that I’ve never seen before! Things that I always thought and understood one way had the veil removed and I finally understand clearly. It’s been such a huge blessing. The more I have surrendered my life to be lived in complete obedience, the more I come to understand what that obedience looks like. It looks like living just like Jesus modelled and taught.

Ultimately, I am at such peace with the lack of control I have over my health. I am at peace because God has me in the palm of his hand. He has declared the end from the beginning. Nothing goes unseen or unheard. He is in control of everything and his promises are true. 

Knowing this, I am excited for what lies in store for healing this year. I am still confident I will be healed, maybe on earth, maybe on the new earth. In the meantime I am going to lean in and allow myself to be refined along the way.

We are all in desperate need of refining. Prepare your heart, and study scripture for the coming of Jesus Christ draws near.

A Season of Growth

This past year has been one of extreme circumstantial difficulty. Such seasons always lend themselves to growth; either you allow yourself to grow cold and hard-hearted, or you seek truth and grow to be more Christ-like. I’m so thankful to say that I’ve kept myself rooted in the word (the Bible) and God has revealed more of Himself to me than ever before. 

This actually brings me to tears, you guys. I’ve been seeking wisdom and guidance from God and he has lovingly granted my requests. 

Because this year (and especially this fall) have been such a whirlwind, let me catch you up on 2017 real quick:

- Starting the year, my body almost burst at the seams with inflammation and we sought answers for my huge Lupus flare. I began to be completely physically and mentally immobilized. It got so bad that there were times I didn’t think I could continue.

- In February, I found out that I was allergic to fourteen foods and the next day I cut them all out.

- In March, I took a chronic infections test and found out that I had eight chronic infections including hospital superbugs and borrelia.

- In April, I followed up the borrelia results with a T-cell test showing that I had an active Lyme Disease infection. I started treatment for Lyme Disease.

- In May, my two year old (Brooklyn) tested positive for a (much more severe) active Lyme infection. I also started a candida diet which lead into a ketogenic diet.

- In June, my seven month old (Caleb) tested positive for an active Lyme infection.

- In July I tackled SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) and brought the kids to live with my parents while Zach did a major home renovation. I walked alongside my Dad as he was treated with radium and chemotherapy for cancer.

- In August, the kids and I did our first round of oral antibiotics.

- In September, Zach and I took the kids on a little vacation and it knocked me back quite a bit. My Dad was hospitalized.

- In October, I did a round of IV antibiotics and I felt much worse before becoming a bit more clear-headed. My Dad just about died in the hospital and we brought him home. 

- In November, I went back to work part time (part time medical leave) and this has been very difficult on my body. My Dad improved after Naturopathic home care and then passed away in his sleep at the end of the month.

- In December, the grief derailed my body and I really struggled to keep my body physically calm. 

- In total this year, I had 133 medical appointments and this required so much of my time and energy. I have still not been able to properly exercise because when I do, the inflammation flares. I have been quite strict with my diet, medications, and sleep to try to do everything I can to take good care of myself.

I don’t know why God is allowing these things to happen, but it is obvious that in this journey, my trust in the Lord is growing and I’m being sanctified. I am learning more deeply about the character of God and abiding in His grace. There’s a song by Matt Redman that has the lyrics “when I am in the storm, Lord the storm is not in me” and I am overwhelmed with praise and thankfulness that my foundation on Christ has allowed me to stay not just spiritually strong, but joyful through these horrible circumstances.

If my hope was in my health, I would be crushed right now. To have your reality so far from your expectations is not an easy thing to wrestle through. But I’m not crushed, I’m not scared, and I’m not even feeling like life isn’t fair.

This life is so much more than our day to day. The enemy brought sin into this world and there is spiritual attack, but what was intended for evil, God uses for good (Gen 50:20)! I will continue to bring God glory through my circumstances and praise Him for the opportunity to do so. And at the same time, I will continue to pray for physical healing on this earth so that God can be glorified in it. 

God hears your prayers! He hears the groans of your heart and he responds! He responded with Jesus who sacrificed Himself for all of us when all our sins were future. He took our burden and we can rest in the grace of our loving Father. Now we can look forward to an eternity where in the presence of God we are free from sickness, death, and all sadness!

Where are you putting your hope this year? Hope in anything other than Jesus will let you down. 

May we seek the healer over the healing. 

May we seek the comforter over the comforting.

May we seek the deliverer over the delivering.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.”

We are here to comfort, encourage, and guide one another through our different seasons of life. Thank you for journeying with me through this! Thank you for your prayers and reminders of truth! I can’t wait to see what growth God has in store for all of us this year. Much love!

The Most Important Thing to Remove from Your Diet

I love food and I love eating. It has been so fun for me to learn all about nutrition and healthy eating and the best ways to eat to support the body during illness. Cooking is so fun and when I’m too tired, it’s a joy to watch Zach cook. The smell of the apple parsnip soup simmering is making my mouth water right this minute! 

I also love to do my best at everything and once I have knowledge of what the best is, I have to live in light of that revelation or I feel like I’m cheating myself. So when it comes to the knowledge of what foods will be most beneficial for my healing journey, and what foods are best to avoid, I have found myself adhering perfectly. And since my diet adherence has been so good for so long, I’ve found myself getting to an emotional place that is on the edge of controlling and I caught myself starting to feel really negative towards eating food that wasn’t healthy. 
 

The most important thing to remove from your diet is fear. 

This is pretty weird for me because I don’t even fear death but I started to fear foods that could make me sick. I’m choosing organic because I’m afraid of my gut being destroyed by glyphosate. I fear eating foods I have gluten cross-reactivity to because I don’t want an internal antibody allergic response. I worry about eating too much sugar because I need to keep systemic inflammation down. It’s gotten to the point where what should be appropriate concern starts to drift into worry.

And what’s frustrating is that even though I can have a perfect diet, the resulting stress over it is probably more detrimental to my health anyway! Because stress increases your levels of cortisol and cortisol shuts off your killer T-cells so your immune system doesn’t fight infection or respond to damage. Upon reflection, it’s actually laughable!

So I guess I’m wrestling with being obsessed with healthy eating. I definitely feel that I need to continue to check my heart to make sure I don’t get to an emotionally unhealthy place.

Check your heart. 

Why am I so concerned, anyway? I guess it’s a bit of a control issue. Diet is the one thing I can control with my healing and you’d better believe that I’m going to do everything I can to heal. I want so badly to feel like myself again. I need to have my brain back. So it’s tricky because eating healthy is a really good thing, and I’m doing it for really good reasons. 

But am I turning something good like high food standards into a destructive stressor? I’ve prayed about it and pleaded with God to release me from feeling this need for control. God, allow me to trust that you desire to heal me and that it’s not up to me to ‘make it happen’. Grant me the knowledge and wisdom to live in a way that honours the body you gave me so that I can bring you glory with it. God, help me to be thankful for the food you provide and help me live in the freedom that the comes from the cross.

In Jesus I am free. 

Where do I go from here? I’m going to pick the best food available and eat it with gusto and gratitude. Now please excuse me while I inhale this apple parsnip soup.

Apple Parsnip Soup from Danielle Walker's Against All Grain Celebrations Cookbook

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”
- Matthew 6:25-27

Lyme Don't Kill My Vibe

There have been a lot of new changes recently and yet, this is one of the first times my life has started to feel stable again. It’s really amazing to look back on the past eight months and see just how far I have come since my Lyme was triggered. And then I think about just how quickly things have improved since I started treatment only four months ago! It’s a night and day difference and has brought me to tears more than once. 

Lyme may have knocked me down for a little while, but I won't surrender. 

My regular pain has gone from a level 8 to a 3, my headaches are no longer daily (just weekly), my brain is functioning better, I find myself dizzy only occasionally now, and I’ve had the energy to do household chores like laundry and cooking! All with a smile on my face :) 

I’ve even been able to take the kids to appointments without Zach and got out for a playdate. I’m not taking those regular things for granted anymore. 

That being said, with a morning outing I know I need to schedule in a nap after, and I still can’t do more than one or two things a day, but it’s a huge improvement from curling up on the couch for hours in agony and being too anxious to leave the house. I’m so thankful for how far God has brought me so quickly!

For the first time, I was well enough to take the kids to visit Zach at his fire hall!

It was really nice to get out of the house with the kids again! 

Yesterday, Zach and I celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary! I’m so thankful for him and how sensitive he’s been towards me; God knew what I needed in a husband! He’s been so patient and compassionate with me through all the years I’ve been sick but undiagnosed, and even more so since we found out about the Lupus and Lyme. I can’t publicly praise him enough for carrying me through so many rough seasons.

To celebrate, we spent the day as a family at the zoo. I was a little nervous knowing it’s typically a two hour outdoor (in the sun!) excursion but I figured it would be a good test to see how much my body can do now. I was pleasantly surprised! For the most part, my body cooperated with me and we had a wonderful time. 

I'm looking forward to this weekend when Zach and I are going to get away together for a nice dinner and a little R&R.

I was even able to push the stroller most of the time. Zach took over when I started to fade.

I’m almost done my four week round of antibiotics and like expected, I’m feeling a little worse (nausea, headaches, that yucky feeling) but overall nothing too crazy. I’ve been detoxing A TON to keep the herxing minimal and I think that has made a world of a difference. I’m really very fortunate to have such a detox arsenal at my fingertips. I’m expecting (hoping) to start feeling a lot better once I’m finished these antibiotics! But it looks like I’ll be coming back to them intermittently in the future.
 

I’ve also been cleared to ditch the SIBO diet and go back to my Ketogenic diet - hooray! I bet you’ve never heard anyone cheer about that before! 

It’s proving difficult to get back into ketosis (seems like everything has sugar!), but I’m pushing through and trying to remember just how good my body felt in fat-burning mode. Not to mention I lost weight easily for the first time in my life (would you believe 25 lbs in those 3 months?) because the inflammation has finally started to subside. I don’t plan to follow the ketogenic diet forever, but it sure is what my body needs right now while I am sick. 
 

And the new treatment I just added to my protocol is Major Autohemotherapy - MAH. It’s an IV treatment where they draw your blood, mix ozone gas into it, and then drip the product back into your veins. It’s helpful for supporting your immune system so that you can fight infections with more oomph and also oxygenates the environment so borrelia cannot survive.

I thought it would be more uncomfortable than it ended up being, it was actually pretty painless! The biggest obstacle for me was getting past the fact that I was doing this because I’m sick; it can be hard emotionally to sit through treatments and think about the fact that I actually do have Lyme. And an hour and a half is a looooong treatment! It takes a while because we also do a Myer’s drip to provide the vitamins and minerals necessary for the ozone therapy to be effective. 

Ozone gas is incorporated into my blood before putting it back into my body (you can't straight up inject ozone gas). 

This is what it looks like for the lab tech to mix ozone into the blood. It changes the colour to bright red!

Dripping with the company of my lab tech, Lauren :)

I was actually blown away at how much better I felt the day after. I did so many little tasks and chores that I even mentioned to Zach how I felt like a regular healthy person again! It’s really exciting to see the positive changes so quickly!

In moments like these, I’m so hopeful that I will be healed through medicine. I know I just need to keep going, keep appreciating the healing process, and keep my eyes focused on what is to come. Please don’t stop praying for us!